Well 2022 didn’t got anywhere near as planned.. Lots of bumps in the road, Blog taking a back seat, family grew and new jobs were started.
Now that we are 2 months into 2023 I am feeling the tug and pull to get back into Blogging and setting the tone of success for 2023.
I don’t make New Year’s resolutions but I am working on making small steps each and every day to live a life that will resonate with the feelings of ease and contentment that I am longing for.
This year so far I have stopped drinking alcohol, took a Life coaching Course, signed up to be a Pastoral Chaplin and going to a treatment centre for a Co-Dependency Program. Sounds like a lot when I write it out, but its also not enough.
I am not OK, and I haven’t’ been OK for a long time. I am currently in a role that I knew from probably week 2 that it wasn’t a fit for me. But because I enjoy the pay cheque that comes with it and am afraid of the comments when I leave yet anther job I have been “sticking it out”. At what point do I break and take the stand that this isn’t for me??? This happened the other day. I haven’t resigned yet, but it has to come. I am not effective there and I am not effective at home. I am in a state of CONSTANT anxiety living between both these worlds. I also have a half hour drive to the office and a half hour drive home. There is a lot of gut checks and self talks that happen on those drives. This all came to a head for me a couple of weeks ago. I got up in the morning and started my routine and then my husband got up with me.. he never gets up with me. This threw off my routine and we ended up being grumpy with each other as I am rushing, late once again, to get out of the house. I left in a huff slamming doors and muttering to myself. I was making my way to Pepper (My beloved Bronco) and was loaded down with my stuff for the day. This means I have my purse, my laptop bag, my lunch bag and my 32 OZ mug of tea. It is pouring rain and supposed to be freezing rain later that day, and as I am rushing to get everything inside I FELL! It was not a graceful fall and of course one of my neighbours saw as he was out walking his dog. I literally laid there on our front path and looked up at the sky and contemplated just lying there and having a good cry until my husband found me. I wanted to finally release those tears that have been quietly rising to the the surface, but have never broke. I wanted to just lay there and forget about the world of and deadlines and expectations of me. I just wanted the world to STOP and let me have the cry I so desperately wanted and needed. Did I do this? Nope. I realized seeing me laying in the driveway sobbing would have given my husband a heart attack. My neighbour walking his dog might have wanted to help and I wasn’t ready to meet a new person. It was also really freaking cold!!! I popped up and place all my stuff in Pepper and stormed back into the house. I tore off my coat and slammed it on the counter and stormed back into the bedroom stripping off my pants. My husband was like “Whats going on?” Breathing fire, I ground out through clenched teeth “I fucking fell” silently begging him to say something so I could take out my frustrations on him. However my husband is a wise soul. He quickly turned his back and walked away. After so many years together he knew, this was one of those moments I needed him to say and do nothing.
I changed into dry clothes and mentally shook off that start to the day. Off I headed back out determined to have a better day. That half hour drive I listened to some music on Spotify and not my regular radio station. When I got to the office I texted my husband to let him know I was there safe and then I did something I have never done at this place. I stayed in Pepper and couldn’t convince myself to get out. I was frozen. I was frozen between just sitting there sobbing or going in to face another bullshit day. I was frozen between WHY am I doing this? and I need to do this. I was frozen between listening to what my heart and soul needed and what I committed to doing. The struggle was so real in those few moments of suspended time.
I eventually gave myself a mental shake and headed into the office. The soundtrack in my head of my parents and grandparents telling me how we are hard working and dedicated people who honour commitments winning out. The desire to be someone who is depended upon and valued won out.
Each day is made up of multiple decisions that affect the next decision. In those moments that was the right decison to make. Will I make the same one tomorrow or the next day? I have no idea. Each day as I evolve and change and grow, who knows what choices I will make. But in that moment and on that day I made my Parents and Grandparents proud and on that day that is all that mattered to me.
Remember to always let your light shine for it could be a Beacon to someone else in Darkness.